Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be.

Sometimes life just doesn't work out how you want it to. You wish you could have said things different, done things different, wish you hadn't done things at all.
But no matter what, no clock is going to stop or go back for you to change the things you did. You're stuck with the past that you lived. And there's options of what you can do with your past. Give it up to some higher power, shut it out, lie about it.
Sometimes things just don't work out, but it's always going to work out no matter what.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person.

I really have nothing more to say tonight.

Philippians 4:6-7

I am content.
This thought comes after a day in the mountains snowboarding with my sister and my best friend.
Today, we went to Sunshine. Towards the end of the day, we were up at the top of Goats Eye. I happened to look past what was right in front of me as I was riding down the mountain and caught a glimpse of the most beautiful postcard-worthy scene ever. It was only the mountains, but it caught me. I stopped, almost causing a collision between me and my sister, but I just stood there for a minute and looked around. It was nice. I love the mountains, always have. And I didn't think of this at the time, but looking back on it, it was purely a confirmation of how beautiful life is when you are content.
I could go on forever about how great my life seems lately. I don't know if this is a selfish thing to write about, but these are my feelings, and you are the one still reading my blog (whoever you are). But lately, I am purely content. I guess the biggest thing is the fact that I am currently at home for Christmas. I have not lived at home for 11 months. I moved to school last January and I have not been here in Okotoks for more than 5 days in 11 months. I am absolutely engulfed in this love and atmosphere. I pratically live in a zoo, but this is what I needed. I feel as though this three weeks at home is God's way of giving me a well needed vacation, from whatever. But being with my sisters, my brothers and my parents is giving me more joy than the last 11 months combined. I'm a family person, what can I say.
After much prayer and ranting to whoever will listen, I am content with the decisions I have made about school. I am at Ambrose this year, but after a very impulsive and angry day, I applied to Memorial University of Newfoundland. I am at a point where now, the decision about where I go to school next year is completely in God's hands. Of course I would love to go to Newfoundland, but I would hate to leave Calgary. So who knows. God does.
I'm not really wanting to go into much detail about this, or how to even say it, but I am content being me. I have found an overwhelming sense of high self esteem. I guess there's no better way to say it other than I am so content being nobody's anything. I am Katelyn. I don't need a boy, or anyone. I'm living my life and I am happy with myself.
I am content.

Hi my name is:

Katelyn

When I'm nervous:

i talk too much too fast

By this time next year:

i'll probably be living in newfoundland.

Last night:

i had a bubble bath.

PART 1: YOU

Were you a planned baby?

not sure.

Were you the first?

first!

Are your parents still married?

yessss

PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you have low self esteem?

no sir.

Do you get depressed about things easily?

if its worth it of course. but whats the point in the what-ifs

Are you happy right now?

absolutely. xmas in 5 days!

PART 3: APPEARANCE

Are you comfortable with the way you look?

always.

Describe your hair:

yucky

Where do you buy most of your clothes?

the mall? I don't know

PART 4: RANDOM

Ever been kicked out of a bar?

never

Ever drunk dial an ex?

ACCIDENTALLY

Can you tie a cherry stem using your tongue?

no patience!

PART 5: THE OUTDOORS

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?

outdoors always

Do you like walking in the rain?

not really

Do you like thunderstorms?

so much!

PART 6: FOOD

Are you a vegetarian?

no way

Anything you absolutely could eat forever?

rice. or salad

What is your favourite dessert?

chocolate anything

PART 7: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE

Do you want to get married?

absolutely.

Have you ever been in love?

high school love is... not love

Are you in a relationship now?

nope

PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS

1. Where is your cell phone?

beside me

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?

nowhere?

3. Your hair?

ponytail

4. Your style?

i wear clothes just like everyone else

5. Cheesecake?

mmm

6. Siblings?

9 of them.

7. Your dream last night?

dont recall

8. Your favourite drink?

juice

9. Car you want?

some little SUV

10. The room you are in:

living room

11. Your life goal?

ask Jesus

12. Your fears?

being alone

13. Piercings?

7

14. Tonight?

is relaxing

15. Last night?

relaxed.

16. Check out Superbad?

pretty funny.

17. One of your wishes?

only prayers

18. Where did you grow up?

turner valley

19. Favourite movie?

so many

20. What are you wearing?

jeans and shirt

21. Tattoos?

none yet

22. Ketchup?

on grilled cheese

23. Your computer?

mac!

24. Your friends?

great. so great.

25. Your mood?

no worries at all.

26. Missing?

friends

27. What are you thinking about right now?

snowboarding wednesday!

28. Your car/truck is?

parked in the driveway

29. Your work?

saving lives.

30. Your summer?

horses and lake

31. Your favourite song?

right now? celebrate the day, relient k

32. Your favourite colour(s)?

green. red. blue.

33. When is the last time you laughed?

Kristy farted in the car.

34. Last time you cried?

birthday

35. High school?

SO DUMB I WAS SO DUMB

36. Last text?

adam

37. Last received call?

mom

38. Last IM?

dont remember

39. Crushing?

no.

40. Life?

its great.

Day 1

"Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter"
Dr Seuss is so wise.

And when you need it most, I have a hundred reasons why I love you.

lost in this world

I am 3 sleeps away from bliss. I will leave this place and en route I will drop a friend off at the airport. Then I will drive the hour to my house.
I have not spend more than 5 days at home in 11 months. This time, I will be home for three weeks. Three glorious weeks. Good homemade food. Friends. Family. Television. Reading. Christmas. Drinks. New Years. My own bed. My own room. Unconditional love. And, ultimate comfort.
Please let it some faster.
But for now, it's cramming tiny writing into my Bible for the OT exam. Trying to learn a semester of Philosophy. Reviewing Psychology in an asian accent. Working at the pool. Hating life.
3 sleeps.

Lesson one: Do not hide.

It takes one person to tell me that they appreciate me, for me, and one Jars of Clay song to make my day. I'm honest, raw and sometimes a little uncalled for, and different. And I'm appreciated for that.

Good thing, because I'm not changing, that's for sure.

Boys (Lesson One) - Jars of Clay
Lesson one - do not hide
Lesson two - there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time

Lesson three - you're not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this
will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk


But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to
wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling,
bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and
thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember - lesson one

this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again

there is always a fresh start.
i just love fridays a lot.

I am the kind of person that will make my point good and clear. I know how to defend and how to fight. When I get worked up about something, I talk it through. I can make points and make them good. I'm logical in arguments. I will be honest with you, no matter what. I will tell you exactly is on my mind fully. I'll probably yell. I'll most likely cry. But It's how I feel and I need to defend myself.

independence

I like to think that I am independent.
I do my own laundry, I study when I need to, and I only hit the snooze button once.
But lately, I feel like I'm really not being the grown up that I need to be.
I'm turning 19 on tuesday. I can't even believe it myself. I am in my second year of Bible College and I don't know where my life is going. I don't know where I will be next year. I don't even know what I will be doing next summer. Maybe I just suck at listening to God. But it has been so frustrating to me that no matter how I talk to God, I just am not getting any answers. So, I guess I'm just going to roll with the punches and wait it out until I hear something.
I think half my my problem is that I am too involved with things that are distracting me and taking my attention away from God. I can't think of a more classy way to say this, other than... People really are the worst.
I've come to the realization (I really should have come to this conclusion like, 3 years ago) that I do NOT need someone, or anyone, in my life that steals my attention away from God. I spend so much time wrapped up in people in general. I am about as extrovert as they come. However over the past two weeks, I have felt emotionally drained because of this. Mostly I guess this is directed at boys, but also at everyone. It's my own selfish human fault for wanting attention. It's the orange extrovert personality in me that loves having people there. I get involved. I get my heart so set on this new relationship or friendship that I forget what my life is really about. I get caught up in the "cute" stuff, the texts and the time together and the chats and everything that comes with the start of commitment. I lose myself completely at the point of fret and worry. It is at this point that I become skeptical, begin to regret the silly things I've said, and what I've let my heart and mouth do and say. I'm the kind of person that will be so imaginative, that I create some sort of track in my head of how I want my life to be. Where I want relationships to go. Where I want to go next.
But this is not how life should be.
I do not need a boy there to call me pretty and to keep me waiting. I don't need drama in my life to keep me worried or falling back onto other people.
What I need is to live my life. Like I said, I am barely 19 years old. I have time. Time to get through college, get a job, date, get married, and live. But all the time I have is God's time. He is the one that I should be focused on. I need to place the eyes of my heard solely on Him and pursue his plan for me, and only that.
It is the extrovert in me that keeps people in my life. But right now, all I need is God. I don't need relationships, drama, or anything distracting to me. I need support and I need to just pray. I need to keep going. I need to just try my hardest to be the best follower of Christ that I can be.
I'm not independent at all. I rely fully on Christ. This life isn't mine, this life is a living example of Christ. I rely fully on Him and the only way that I will be the best that I can be is if I live this life how He wants to. He needs to be proud and I also need to remember that whatever God has in store for me is what's best for me. Til then, no distractions.

I was at chapel on Tuesday, before it had started and was talking with Adam just about life. I told him how I had that part of so many worship songs that says "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all" stuck in my head for at least four days. I was at the point where I was singing it out loud at work while I was lifeguarding. I hadn't heard a song with that in it since... forever ago and it was weird that it was in my head. Anyways, I told Adam, and of course he said "it would be cool if they sang that today". So then, chapel started up and it was a worship chapel. I'm the kind of person that LOVES things like beggars feast so I was all ears. The service went on and it just so happened that the last song they played was that Starfield one called "Reign in Us" and guess what chorus was in it... that one. That was the first time since last year that I raised my arms and was so at peace. Sign from God? Absolutely!

I don't know what else there is to say about this image other than think about it. I always find myself saying things like "I really hate that" or "Oh man I love that" but really do I? There are things I love. like Jesus and my family. I'm not one to hate. Anyways. It's something to think about.

This is life

Last night, I shared my testimony for the first time and I have been on a high ever since. I have never ever felt so encouraged or loved or supported like that. I have been a believer for a long time, but a devoted follower for only a year. I have a past that I am thoroughly ashamed of. It'll effect me for the rest of my life.
I was encouraged by the group of girls that I shared with and I got a lot off my chest that I had been holding in. Of course my testimony and past is all stuff that me and Jesus talk about. But, I had never told anyone the full Katelyn story. It was nice. That's all there is to it. Just nice.
One part of my life that I love to share is my coming-to-Ambrose story. I came here as a believer. I became a follower. It was my fresh start. It was a great fresh start.

I've finally found what gets me fired up. I'm usually a very passive easy going person and I rarely find myself getting fired up about much at all. But this week I realized how important forgiveness is. I'm not talking about God forgiving us when we mess up. I'm talking about when we do something stupid and feel genuinely bad about it and no matter how many times you can say sorry, it just isn't forgiven. Like people who jsut can't let it go or people who bring it up after so long. I'm a forgiving person. When it comes to being let down or hurt, I'm really understanding and tend to drop it and move on. There is no point in holding things like that in my heart when there are so many more important things that need that space. Guilt is a horrible thing for me. A big thing about me is that when I get in trouble, I don't take it well. I get really upset and think way too much into it, and honeslty then only thing I want is for it to go away. Anyways. Chew on that.

2am ramblings

I don't know where my life is going.

"God has this big amazing plan for you. He loves you so much and if you listen closely, he will tell you all about it."

K God, anytime now please. I honestly just need some sort of hint as to where I need to go. I know I can be impatient. Probably a little demanding too. But I'm stuck and I just want to know how to move forward.